Inaugurate This!

Not invited to today's inaugural festivities?

Too bad, bucko, seeing as your tax dollars will help pay for at least some of it:

The Department of Homeland Security has designated the inauguration as a National Special Security Event, which makes the high-profile gatherings eligible for federal money and heightened security overseen by the Secret Service. LINK

How cold. It's like being asked to bring beer to a party but then being told you can't drink any of it and, hey, leave the bottle opener and, thanks, but can you go home now?

You'd think the Republican Party People could at least send you an official King George paper crown (Bearing one of three popular second-term catchphrases: I'm a Mandate Man; Who Ya Callin' Dumb This Time? and Under God, But Still On Top, Be-yatch!) and one of those spinny noisemakers.

But don't let it get you down. I mean, losers can make their own fun. What do you think imaginary friends are for?

Need suggestions for an Inauguration Day Do-It-Yourself Celebration?

• Pretend like you're at the America's Future Rocks Today and play the decidedly un-rocklike music of Hillary Duff, Ruben Studdard and 3 Doors Down. When your ears stop bleeding and your sense of taste returns, pepper your sentences with phrases like "Good clean fun!" and "Now that's an American idol!"
• Dance. I recommend you do the Condi: Wait 'til someone lobs a particularly tough question at you and then dance around it. (No rhythm required.)
• Call a tsunami survivor and tell them you're sorry Americans couldn't come up with more donation dollars for relief efforts. Our charitable money, they should know, is going to support crucial efforts like keeping inaugural-goers 'fulled up' with shrimp and canapes. Tell them you'll send them a signed photo of George and Laura as a consolation prize.
• Pull out your John Kerry paraphernalia -- shirts, buttons, limited edition Hot Wheels Swift Boats. Let your salty tears saturate these symbols of what could have been. Proceed to burn all items, save for those bearing the slogan, "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Kerry." You'll need them later.
• Get friends together to debate the morality of Sponge Bob and other 'homosexual' cartoon characters who likely have no sex organs.
• Umm, start counting the seconds til November 2008?